Answering the question "Why Me?"
"Why Me?" is an obvious question that all cancer survivors eventually face. But do we really need an answer?
Not long after you hear the words "You have cancer", an obvious question usually enters most people's minds: "Why me?". I think you need to be very careful addressing this question because it can easily lead directly to guilt and self-blame.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I began searching for an answer to the question "Why Me?". I immediately began thinking that it was because of my past behavior. In my younger days, I was pretty active in the bar scene. Even though I hadn't drank alcohol in more than 20 years, I thought my drinking days had finally caught up with me. Yep, the cancer was all my fault! Oh boy, how stupid was that? I was immediately blaming myself and started guilt trippin' as a result. This is a mis-step I'd like to help other folks avoid, because it's totally counter-productive to where you want your head to be during a time of crisis.
My advice: Don't take the bait! It's not your fault.
So, lets take a closer look at the question "Why Me?" and dissect why it can be so harmful.
One of the underlying elements of "Why me?" is our sense of justice. You've lived a 'good life', so you might think that getting cancer is unfair. Well, news flash. Life is not fair. So, it's important to acknowledge this inherent unfairness, while at the same time validating the anger you may be feeling for having to go through such a difficult experience.
Another common feature of "Why me?" is the fear that you are being punished. Just because you've been diagnosed, doesn't mean you are uniquely cursed, flawed, or being singled out to suffer. In cold reality, cancer doesn't care if you deserved it or not.
This may also a good time to give yourself permission to mourn the loss of your old life. Your roles and identity are probably going change as result of a cancer diagnosis. The sooner you recognize this, the sooner you can turn your attention to the things that you can still control.
Part of the reason why we want to find an answer to "Why me?" is the larger issue of wanting to restore our sense of control when we feel we are being overwhelmed in the midst of a crisis. One of the keys here is to redirect your energy away from "Why me?" and focus your energy on what you can actually control. Things like treatment decisions, lifestyle adjustments, and building your support system.
The human mind inevitably searches to find causes, rational explanations, and meaning during times of crisis. In the end, one of the the kindest things you can do for yourself is to understand that "Why me?" may be an unanswerable question. It's best to just acknowledge the randomness of the world and then slowly move towards acceptance.
Cancer is largely a disease of bad luck: random mutations, aging cells, inherited predispositions, and environmental exposures that affects millions without regard to some 'personalized reason'. Searching for a definitive personal cause often only prolongs emotional suffering.
Ultimately, the healthiest way to address the question "Why me?" is to first accept and process the full range of emotions you're feeling, then understand that the question may never be fully answered, and finally use that self-reflection to move into a phase of empowerment, action, and self-care.
